THE WAY TO DO IT! By BOBBY
I always knew that The Legends tour would be special, but something really unexpected has happened……I think I’ve become a bit of a gay icon!
Honest! This is not an April Fool’s Gag. Quite the opposite!
It seems that all my dressing up in the cloak, carrying the candelabra, the theatrical entrances to Queen’s ‘We Are The Champions’ and, of course the Bobby Bling, has attracted (how can I say it?) a ‘different’ audience.
I suppose you have to put it down to the shows being presented in theatre venues instead of pubs and clubs. They appeal to (how can I say it?) a more ‘discerning’ and ‘luvvie’ style audience.
Perhaps I’ve become the Liberace of darts!! AGAIN!
Of course, I camp it up – especially with our even camper (what is it about campers?) stage host Duncan Norvelle. We enjoy plenty of over-the-top banter on stage and the audiences are loving it!
I make my entrance from the back of the theatre and sometimes it takes all of five minutes to get to the stage through the packed crowds. They love the cloak, the candelabra and the music and, it has to be said, I have never been kissed by so many blokes in all my life!
Mind you, as Kenny Everett used to say: ‘It’s all in the best possible taste’! And just to add to the fun, when I finally get on stage Eric kisses me!
THAT’S THE WAY TO KISS IT!
Just to prove that this really isn’t an April Fool leg-pull, me and Duncan have even been asked to be interviewed by Gay News. Makes a change from Darts World!
As I have already said, Duncan is not only a nice bloke (happily married like me) but a very funny entertainer. One of his passions is to do take-offs of everyone in The Legends – including me.
He’s got my voice (swearing and all) as well as my mannerisms and little sayings perfectly, and tells audiences that instead of being a darts player I should be in the West End playing the role of Fagin in the hit musical Oliver!
I don’t know whether he’s hinting that I’m mean, but even I laugh out loud when Duncan bursts into his Bobby George version of ‘You Gotta Pick A Pocket Or Two’.
Every night I tell the audience that Duncan is a lovely fella and that if he had boobs I’d marry him!
THAT’S THE WAY TO DUNCAN IT!
And, while on the subject of boobs I played a rather well-endowed lady on stage the other night and when I dropped the flap on the front of my shirt and did my ‘man-boob’ gag I asked if she would consider doing the same.
Of course, she declined (just my luck) but I told her that if she ever wanted a job I could offer her one and she wouldn’t have to work a week in hand!
She took the banter in good spirit like the rest of the audience, because the whole Legends show is all about fun and laughter. It simply has to be seen to be appreciated.
Although it’s hard work slapping around the country, I look forward to going on stage each night and after 15 shows into the tour I had only played one leg of darts!
My shoulder is now getting back to something like normal, but I think the punters prefer to hear me telling stories rather than throwing darts (I told you they were a discerning lot!).
Old gravel voice, Russ Bray came along to Peterborough and called my game and then had the cheek to tell the audience that I had nicked his voice!
I grabbed the microphone off him and told the audience that Russ knew all about nicking – he used to be a policeman in Essex – and it was him who nicked my voice, not the other way round!
Blimey, you can’t trust a copper!!
THAT THE WAY TO NICK IT!
Never mind the BDO, EDO and PDC, we now have a new darts organisation called the LDO – Legends Darts Organisation – and the camaraderie between me, Eric, Lowey and Duncan has to be seen to be believed.
Take the night I gave Duncan a set of my darts and he admired the flights with my ugly mug printed on them. Eric said: ‘Bo-Bo, however did they get your head on them flights?’ I replied: ‘Put it this way, E, they wouldn’t get your head on ‘em!’
Then Lowey went on stage to play his 4 legs against punters from the audience. Eric says: ‘Come on, Bob’, ‘there’s a pub across the road. Let’s go and have a pint and watch the football for a bit’.
‘We can’t do that’ I said. ‘What if he gets 4 nine-darters and we’re not there?’
‘Stop worrying’ he said. ‘Trust me. He ain’t that good! He takes ages and will still be playing when we get back’.
So, over the road we went, but I was so worried that I only had half a pint while Eric settled back with his pint and got interested in the football.
I finished my drink in record time and tried to hurry Eric up, but he wanted to watch a free kick before finishing his pint and then strolled over the road behind me muttering: ‘There’s no rush. He’ll still be playing’.
When we got back he was! As it happens we could have stayed and watch the second half!
THAT’S THE WAY TO PINT IT!
He didn’t hit one 9-darter, but he did say: ‘When we’re in the theatre and I do hit a 180 all the lights will flash in different colours.’
Hearing this, Big E said: ‘What will happen when I hit a 26?’ To which Lowbo retorted: ‘They’ll flash black and white!’
Never mind the stage show, all of this fun is going on behind the scenes! We’re like the Three Musketeers – ‘all for one and one for all’ – not like it was years ago when Lowey was the Sheriff of Nottingham!’
THAT’S THE WAY TO MUSKETEER IT!
Lowey is so impressed with my stage act (more of a chat really) that he reckons I would earn a fortune on the after-dinner circuit. I do enjoy telling audiences about some of my TV experiences.
Like the embarrassment of taking the ‘Walk Of Shame’ on the ‘Weakest Link’ darts special. Me and Anne Robinson (I nicknamed her ‘The Ginger Minger’) got on famously until she fixed me with that trademark unsmiling gaze of hers and asked the question:
‘There are two days in the week which start with the letter ‘T’, one is Tuesday. What’s the other one’.
It was so easy that my mind went blank and I hesitated for a few second before saying ‘Thursday’.
At that moment I just wished the floor could have opened up and I could vanish!
Afterwards, the Ginger One asked me what happened and I said:
‘I got so confused because I thought Thursday started with an ‘F’!
I should have said ‘Today’ or ‘Tomorrow’ and she couldn’t have argued! I banked Five Grand and was given my marching orders (unjustly I thought) as the ‘Weakest Link’ but Anne still loved me and said later that she really wanted to talk to me about the bling!
THAT’S THE WAY TO BLING IT!
Which brings me nicely to the end of yet another very busy month. The Legends tour is growing all the time and here’s a new one for your diaries: The Corn Exchange, Stamford, Lincolnshire on Sunday, July 12th.
In the meantime, look out for a Legends Show near you!
Hasta la Vista.