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May 2007:

Trust me to mention Ray Stubbs having the ‘balls’ to sing in Comic Relief’s ‘Fame Academy’ because soon it’s going to be my turn to step outside of my own ‘comfort zone’ on mainstream TV.

Don’t worry I’m not going to sing! It’s worse than that!!

I’m going to become (or try to become) an expert on the life and times of Geoffrey Chaucer who, as some of you might know, was a bit of a saucy writer a few centuries ago.

This is for a brand new ITV prime time show called ‘Don’t Call Me Stupid’ (I’m sure there’s a few out there who would like to!) in which celebrities try to become ‘experts’ on the passion of another celebrity.

In my case, the cuddly Vanessa Feltz has got to learn as much as she can about fishing (not darts, she prefers to carp!) with a little help from me, and by reading all about it.

And, because she gained a University degree in the study of Chaucer I’ve got to learn as much about the great man as I can, with a little help from her, and lots from studying books on Chaucer and his own writings – which, unfortunately are written in Old English.

It’s like learning a new language – only harder – and much more difficult than writing my own book ‘Bobby Dazzler’.

I’ve already spent a week of learning (Chaucer) and teaching (fishing) with Vanessa – which has included a trip to Canterbury. When she came to George Hall to handle my rod (now that is ‘saucy Chaucer’) on my fishing lakes, her first words were: ‘I never thought a darts player would live in a place like this’!

Funny how we get pigeon-holed in our sport! Why shouldn’t a darts player have a decent gaffe? Mind you, she wasn’t being snobby intentionally. She just thought it was more Beckham than Bobby, which is nice!


Could also be something to do with George Hall having 18 bedrooms. Vanessa is a bubbly personality who shares the sauciness of Chaucer in her own life (I’m learning fast!).


Sixteen celebrities will be taking part in this new series (who thinks them up?) and I reckon I’ve got the hardest task of them all. If you don’t believe me, then take a look at some of Chaucer’s work – ‘Canterbury Tales’ is perhaps the most famous – and try to get your head around the words of the 13th Century.

One thing’s for sure. He never played darts, or wrote about them for that matter!

At least there’s a connection in the fact that we are both authors, and I’ve been known to write a few saucy words myself from time to time. But there’s another one contained in the fact that his grandfather was named Robert Chaucer, so he was related to a ‘Bobby’.

Anyway, I will be swotting up for a few weeks and then the idea is for me and Vanessa to present our new-found fishing and Chaucer knowledge respectively in one programme in the series.

Later on in the series we will be quizzed on what we know (or don’t know) on our subjects. At the end of it all, the celebrity who proves that he/she can’t be called stupid on their newly acquired knowledge, will win.

Just like Ray, I am putting my neck on the line, but as I have always relished a challenge, I will give it my best shot.

The series ‘Don’t Call Me Stupid’ will be seen on ITV-1 later this year.


By the way, since Bobby Dazzler was published, I seem to have been in demand on the celebrity circuit.

As well as ‘Don’t Call Me Stupid’ I have also been asked to talk to a couple of TV companies about other series ideas – including one on d-i-y, and another for Sky called ‘Flutter’ in which…..wait for it!.... I will be arm-wrestling another celebrity. Honest!!

What next? ‘In Bed With Bobby’ (now there’s a thought!). It looks like being a very busy TV year for me.


Who knows? At this rate I might even end up with letters behind my name one day. Mind you, I would much prefer letters in front of my name than behind it. Like ‘Sir’. Can you imagine it? Arise Sir Bobby!!

It’s not likely to happen, but I can dream can’t I?


By the way, how can Pro Life criticise me for calling Tim Darby a cleaner (I can’t help it if he wasn’t professional enough to introduce himself to me) when he likens Robert Holmes to the infamous Chemical Ali?

He might have thought it funny to change the name to ‘Comical Ali’ but I and many others in this sport know Robert as a decent and honest family man who does a great job for the BDO and darts.

To compare a nice geezer like him to one of Sadam Hussain’s notorious henchmen is a step too far and goes well beyond bad taste.


On to nicer things, I am proud that my boy Richie George is flying the flag for England in the Junior IDL this month. He’s the only England youngster in this competition and he’s got there on merit.

He did well in Utrecht last year and I hope he does even better this time around. It’s not about winning at this level, but taking part and gaining valuable experience on the big TV stage.

Good luck also to Scotland’s Scott Campbell, who is another great prospect emerging from the youth ranks.


Which brings me nicely to the end of yet another column. Keep smiling. Be Lucky and May The Darts Be With You!




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