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August 2007:


Can you Adam and Eve it? August already. The BDO’s 2007/2008 Inter-County season starts in a few weeks time, and ‘The Glorious 12th’ is the day when you can go out and shoot a few Grouse.

Now there’s a thought! I know one or two ‘grouses’ that I would like to shoot, but I prefer to use the pencil rather than the gun.

There is no truer saying in the English language than the pen (or pencil) is mightier than the sword…… the ‘grousers’ out there had better watch out!


Did you see me on BBC-1’s ‘This Week’ a few weeks ago? Unfortunately, not many of you will have caught my latest appearance on yet another ‘serious’ programme for several reasons:

Firstly, it went out late at 11.35PM (way past bedtime for most of us!) and was on for an hour (hard to stay awake after a few pints!), secondly it is a programme that deals with the issues of the week – mostly serious and political – and thirdly, it’s pretty boring!

Not much going for it then? Well, my bit wasn’t boring, but viewers had to be patient, because they finally got to see me at almost half-past-midnight!

Even I had fallen to sleep by the time it came on!!

Luckily Marie remembered to capture my high-brow performance on our Sky Box, and I had to laugh when Andrew Neil, the former Times Editor with the Bobby Charlton ‘ear to ear’ haircut, introduced me as ‘Bobby Dazzler’ and went on to say that ‘Bling Is The Thing’ as the camera concentrated on all my gold.

I didn’t have to go slapping up to London to do any studio interviews. Instead, the Beeb sent their cameras down to George Hall for a Chinese and a few sherberts, before asking me to hit certain numbers on the dartboard that related to news items over the week that had just gone.

No rehearsals. No script. Just straight into it!

The idea was that the two co-presenters, former conservative big-wig Michael Portillo and Labour’s Diane Abbott, with a little help from studio guest Kate Adie, would then have to guess the stories by the numbers I hit on the dartboard.

Well, in theory, that’s what they should have done! But all my hard work counted (get it?) for very little on the night, because they were more useless than contestants on ‘The Weakest Link’ – and I’m no Anne Robinson (ask Marie)!!

Mind you, at least the darts got good publicity in an area where it normally would never be seen, and to an audience who would be muttering into their cocoa and gin and tonics: ‘Who’s that fellow throwing darts with half a hundredweight of gold on his wrist? Mind you, he is bloody good!’

On to what I did on the dartboard:

First off, I hit 8601 (the zero coming from a dart in the ‘O’ in 10) and I have to admit that this was a tough one: The answer was that this was (is) the number of diamonds in the latest ‘work of art’ created by controversial artist Damien Hirst. A human skull decorated with 8,601 diamonds and worth a reputed £50 million!

Blimey, enough sparklers to get Shirley Bassey singing her head off! Get it? Diamonds Are Forever? No. Neither did my ‘educated’ panel!!

Then I was on the oche again to hit 750, which was another tough one. This time it referred to that week’s ’Queen of Bling, Tessa Jowell, who was seen carrying a £759 Chloe handbag.

Everyone in darts knows Tessa. We nicknamed her ‘Irritable Jowell Syndrome’ when she was instrumental in getting the tobacco sponsorship ban for darts implemented. Perhaps she’ll now do something about women who spend fortunes on poncy handbags!

The last dart thrown was a single 7, which again had everyone confused (not hard at that time of night!). The story it related to was the one in which Bob Geldof was pictured wearing a string of 7 medals that he had no right to wear.

Even the founder of Band Aid should have known that wearing genuine medals is for real heroes, not pop stars!

The show ended appropriately with Shirley Bassey singing ‘Diamonds Are Forever’ and me snoring my head off on a sofa in Essex!!


I mentioned some of the MC’s I have worked with last month and completely forgot about Tom Brown, who always tells great jokes. It tickled me when he said to a recent audience in the Isle of Wight: ‘Because of the politically correct (PC) mob, I can’t tell any racist jokes about black people, the Irish or the Scots, so, did you hear the one about the Eskimo!’

Laugh, I nearly fell off my igloo!

I also love the one about taking his wife to Portobello Road Market for a new coat. ‘I met this geezer who sold me a Hamster coat – made up of thousands of genuine hamster skins – and she loved it Bob. Trouble is, I couldn’t get her off the big wheel (London Eye) all day!’ As Frank Carson would say…….



I’ve had some great fun on The Legends tour with Eric Bristow and Keith Deller and we’ve been pulling in big crowds. So much so that Eric turned to me at the last one and said: ‘Keith is so nervous because he’s never played in front of crowds as big as these’!

We play 12 teams of three-a-side 1,001 and when we did the first two in the north-east we won 11-1 and 12-0! We still have what it takes, but 1,001 is a great leveller because you can’t get into any rhythm when you have to wait 5 throws for your turn.

We have two Pauls with us – Paul Wilson, who has done a great job with the stage set, and Paul Hinks who is refereeing. A woman came up to me and said: ‘Is that right ‘Skins’ is the nickname of the Ref? - Do you know his first name?’

‘Yes, I said to her, ‘It’s Four.’

The penny didn’t drop because she actually went up to him and asked if it was true – then she came back and hit me with her handbag!


By the way, Eric’s play-on music is ‘Vindaloo’ to go with his hot temper; Keith goes on to ‘Things Can Only Go Better’ (changed slightly to Things Can Only Get Deller’ and my entrance to ‘We Are The Champions’ gets a 4 minute standing ovation! Even Eric was singing along!!


Had a memorable trip to the Dutch island of Texel recently for Robert van de Werken and the Texel Darts Organisation, but at one stage I thought it was going to be a one-way trip!

I got to Holland at 9AM and was met by the lovely Jelle and Jan, who took me to the ferry and looked after me. I had a nice meal and at 8PM, following an interview with the local newspaper, I went on stage, threw 3 darts (three bulls as it happens!) and then collapsed with terrible pains in my chest and stomach.

The pains were so severe that I thought I was either shocked by hitting three-bulls or was having a heart-attack and was a definite goner!

It was so bad that they called an ambulance and I was seen to by paramedics who said that I had to be taken to hospital. Trouble is, the nearest hospital was on the mainland and the ferry had stopped running for the day!

Incredibly, someone rang the ferry master, and the skeleton crew volunteered to come out and take me back to the mainland. Me. The only passenger on a huge ferry that normally takes thousands! But I was in so much pain that I wasn’t about to argue!

They got me to the hospital and it turned out that scar tissue from the spleen I had removed 26 years ago, had sort of ruptured and aggravated something in my stomach. After treatment I was fine, and the doctors told me it was very unusual and would probably never happen again. I hope not!

Anyway, I was still paid for the exhibition that never happened (the most expensive triple-bull shot in darts!) and I felt much better!

Seriously, I would like to offer my grateful thanks to Robert and all the lovely Dutch people who looked after me – particularly the paramedics and ferry crew. As Arnie used to say in films………I’ll be back!


Had a great day at George Hall recently when I had two Taylor’s for the price of one – and Phil was nowhere to be seen (or heard)!

I am talking about Vic Taylor and his son David who held their annual Fishing Day on my lakes and raised a magnificent £1,062 for London’s Great Ormond Street Hospital!

What a catch for such a deserving cause.



And finally, my very first RH ‘Made in England’ dartboards will be on the market shortly, and will be named the George 1. Get it? George The First!!

Just like me, it comes with no gimmicks and Is a proper dartboard made in England by the fair old hands of Harry Kicks and myself.


Which brings me nicely to the end of yet another column.

Remember: Be Lucky and May The Darts Be With you.





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