|
Can
you Adam and Eve it? August already. The BDO’s
2007/2008 Inter-County season starts in a few weeks
time, and ‘The Glorious 12th’ is the day
when you can go out and shoot a few Grouse.
Now
there’s a thought! I know one or two ‘grouses’
that I would like to shoot, but I prefer to use the
pencil rather than the gun.
There
is no truer saying in the English language than the
pen (or pencil) is mightier than the sword……..so
the ‘grousers’ out there had better watch
out!
THAT’S
THE WAY TO GROUSE IT!
Did
you see me on BBC-1’s ‘This Week’
a few weeks ago? Unfortunately, not many of you will
have caught my latest appearance on yet another ‘serious’
programme for several reasons:
Firstly,
it went out late at 11.35PM (way past bedtime for
most of us!) and was on for an hour (hard to stay
awake after a few pints!), secondly it is a programme
that deals with the issues of the week – mostly
serious and political – and thirdly, it’s
pretty boring!
Not
much going for it then? Well, my bit wasn’t
boring, but viewers had to be patient, because they
finally got to see me at almost half-past-midnight!
Even
I had fallen to sleep by the time it came on!!
Luckily
Marie remembered to capture my high-brow performance
on our Sky Box, and I had to laugh when Andrew Neil,
the former Times Editor with the Bobby Charlton ‘ear
to ear’ haircut, introduced me as ‘Bobby
Dazzler’ and went on to say that ‘Bling
Is The Thing’ as the camera concentrated on
all my gold.
I
didn’t have to go slapping up to London to do
any studio interviews. Instead, the Beeb sent their
cameras down to George Hall for a Chinese and a few
sherberts, before asking me to hit certain numbers
on the dartboard that related to news items over the
week that had just gone.
No
rehearsals. No script. Just straight into it!
The
idea was that the two co-presenters, former conservative
big-wig Michael Portillo and Labour’s Diane
Abbott, with a little help from studio guest Kate
Adie, would then have to guess the stories by the
numbers I hit on the dartboard.
Well,
in theory, that’s what they should have done!
But all my hard work counted (get it?) for very little
on the night, because they were more useless than
contestants on ‘The Weakest Link’ –
and I’m no Anne Robinson (ask Marie)!!
Mind
you, at least the darts got good publicity in an area
where it normally would never be seen, and to an audience
who would be muttering into their cocoa and gin and
tonics: ‘Who’s that fellow throwing darts
with half a hundredweight of gold on his wrist? Mind
you, he is bloody good!’
On
to what I did on the dartboard:
First
off, I hit 8601 (the zero coming from a dart in the
‘O’ in 10) and I have to admit that this
was a tough one: The answer was that this was (is)
the number of diamonds in the latest ‘work of
art’ created by controversial artist Damien
Hirst. A human skull decorated with 8,601 diamonds
and worth a reputed £50 million!
Blimey,
enough sparklers to get Shirley Bassey singing her
head off! Get it? Diamonds Are Forever? No. Neither
did my ‘educated’ panel!!
Then
I was on the oche again to hit 750, which was another
tough one. This time it referred to that week’s
’Queen of Bling, Tessa Jowell, who was seen
carrying a £759 Chloe handbag.
Everyone
in darts knows Tessa. We nicknamed her ‘Irritable
Jowell Syndrome’ when she was instrumental in
getting the tobacco sponsorship ban for darts implemented.
Perhaps she’ll now do something about women
who spend fortunes on poncy handbags!
The
last dart thrown was a single 7, which again had everyone
confused (not hard at that time of night!). The story
it related to was the one in which Bob Geldof was
pictured wearing a string of 7 medals that he had
no right to wear.
Even
the founder of Band Aid should have known that wearing
genuine medals is for real heroes, not pop stars!
The
show ended appropriately with Shirley Bassey singing
‘Diamonds Are Forever’ and me snoring
my head off on a sofa in Essex!!
THAT’S
THE WAY TO DO IT!
I
mentioned some of the MC’s I have worked with
last month and completely forgot about Tom Brown,
who always tells great jokes. It tickled me when he
said to a recent audience in the Isle of Wight: ‘Because
of the politically correct (PC) mob, I can’t
tell any racist jokes about black people, the Irish
or the Scots, so, did you hear the one about the Eskimo!’
Laugh,
I nearly fell off my igloo!
I
also love the one about taking his wife to Portobello
Road Market for a new coat. ‘I met this geezer
who sold me a Hamster coat – made up of thousands
of genuine hamster skins – and she loved it
Bob. Trouble is, I couldn’t get her off the
big wheel (London Eye) all day!’ As Frank Carson
would say…….
THAT’S
THE WAY TO TELL ‘EM
I’ve
had some great fun on The Legends tour with Eric Bristow
and Keith Deller and we’ve been pulling in big
crowds. So much so that Eric turned to me at the last
one and said: ‘Keith is so nervous because he’s
never played in front of crowds as big as these’!
We
play 12 teams of three-a-side 1,001 and when we did
the first two in the north-east we won 11-1 and 12-0!
We still have what it takes, but 1,001 is a great
leveller because you can’t get into any rhythm
when you have to wait 5 throws for your turn.
We
have two Pauls with us – Paul Wilson, who has
done a great job with the stage set, and Paul Hinks
who is refereeing. A woman came up to me and said:
‘Is that right ‘Skins’ is the nickname
of the Ref? - Do you know his first name?’
‘Yes,
I said to her, ‘It’s Four.’
The
penny didn’t drop because she actually went
up to him and asked if it was true – then she
came back and hit me with her handbag!
THAT’S
THE WAY TO NICKNAME IT!
By
the way, Eric’s play-on music is ‘Vindaloo’
to go with his hot temper; Keith goes on to ‘Things
Can Only Go Better’ (changed slightly to Things
Can Only Get Deller’ and my entrance to ‘We
Are The Champions’ gets a 4 minute standing
ovation! Even Eric was singing along!!
THAT’S
THE WAY TO SING IT!
Had
a memorable trip to the Dutch island of Texel recently
for Robert van de Werken and the Texel Darts Organisation,
but at one stage I thought it was going to be a one-way
trip!
I
got to Holland at 9AM and was met by the lovely Jelle
and Jan, who took me to the ferry and looked after
me. I had a nice meal and at 8PM, following an interview
with the local newspaper, I went on stage, threw 3
darts (three bulls as it happens!) and then collapsed
with terrible pains in my chest and stomach.
The
pains were so severe that I thought I was either shocked
by hitting three-bulls or was having a heart-attack
and was a definite goner!
It
was so bad that they called an ambulance and I was
seen to by paramedics who said that I had to be taken
to hospital. Trouble is, the nearest hospital was
on the mainland and the ferry had stopped running
for the day!
Incredibly,
someone rang the ferry master, and the skeleton crew
volunteered to come out and take me back to the mainland.
Me. The only passenger on a huge ferry that normally
takes thousands! But I was in so much pain that I
wasn’t about to argue!
They
got me to the hospital and it turned out that scar
tissue from the spleen I had removed 26 years ago,
had sort of ruptured and aggravated something in my
stomach. After treatment I was fine, and the doctors
told me it was very unusual and would probably never
happen again. I hope not!
Anyway,
I was still paid for the exhibition that never happened
(the most expensive triple-bull shot in darts!) and
I felt much better!
Seriously,
I would like to offer my grateful thanks to Robert
and all the lovely Dutch people who looked after me
– particularly the paramedics and ferry crew.
As Arnie used to say in films………I’ll
be back!
THAT’S
THE WAY TO DO IT!
Had
a great day at George Hall recently when I had two
Taylor’s for the price of one – and Phil
was nowhere to be seen (or heard)!
I
am talking about Vic Taylor and his son David who
held their annual Fishing Day on my lakes and raised
a magnificent £1,062 for London’s Great
Ormond Street Hospital!
What
a catch for such a deserving cause.
THAT’S
THE WAY TO DO IT!
And
finally, my very first RH ‘Made in England’
dartboards will be on the market shortly, and will
be named the George 1. Get it? George The First!!
Just
like me, it comes with no gimmicks and Is a proper
dartboard made in England by the fair old hands of
Harry Kicks and myself.
THAT’S
THE WAY TO DARTBOARD IT!
Which
brings me nicely to the end of yet another column.
Remember:
Be Lucky and May The Darts Be With you.
|
