Blimey,
this writing lark gets better every day! Just a few
weeks after the Oscars I’ve had an offer to
turn my book ‘Bobby Dazzler’ into a blockbuster
Hollywood movie!
After
the worldwide success of ‘The Queen’ with
the beautiful Dame Helen Mirren, they’ve decided
that ‘The King’ (of Darts) is the perfect
follow up, and are making approaches to Brad Pitt
to play the young Bobby…good looking babe magnet…..and
Michael (Not Many People Know That) Caine to play
me as I am today…..savvy, intelligent, rich
and successful.
APRIL
FOOLS!
It
sounds good and who knows what can happen nowadays,
but I’m still waiting for the call from Hollywood!
THAT’S
THE WAY TO APRIL FOOL IT!
That’s
the ‘fiction’ out of the way. Now the
fact: I can tell you that being an author is proving
to be really successful and great fun at the same
time.
For
instance, I was gobsmacked (and very happy) when The
Independent newspaper gave ‘Bobby Dazzler’
their prestigious title: ‘Book of the Week’
(that’s a fact).
What
an honour for someone who, according to some, left
school with GCE’s in illiteracy!!
It’s
selling so well that Orion Books have ordered a re-print
(another fact) and I’ve been told that Bobby
Dazzler has now become the most popular and best read
darts book of all time! (yet another fact).
I’m
not about to argue am I? It’s a wonderful compliment.
In
the Autumn ‘Bobby Dazzler’ will be published
in paperback and, who knows? That dream of a film
might become reality! Stranger things have happened
in life – especially to me!!
THAT’S
THE WAY TO FILM IT!
Such
is my new found fame in literary circles (stop it
I’m blushing!) that I was a guest at ‘The
Authors Party’ held at the Victoria & Albert
Museum recently.
And
what a ‘posh’ affair it turned out to
be!
I
was probably the only author there that couldn’t
spell, but most of the fellow authors I spoke to said
they had read my book.
That’s
quite something when you are rubbing shoulders with
the most famous authors in the world, and I also met
lots of lovely people like the veteran actor Leslie
Phillips.
Everyone
knows him as the well-spoken ‘cad’ and
‘womaniser’ from the Carrry On films and
when we were introduced I couldn’t help saying
‘H…E….L….L….O’
in a take off of that very familiar accent of his.
What a smashing geezer!
Come
to think of it, he could play me in ‘Carry On
Darts’.
It could be filmed on location at Lakeside and George
Hall!
I
reckon that’s a box-office blockbuster in the
making!!
Hollywood
here I come!!
THAT’S
THE WAY TO HELLO IT!
The
Authors Party was next door to the exhibition of Kylie
Minogue’s clothes so my pants were right next
to her famous hotpants!!
Mind
you, I kept mine on and spent most of the night at
the bar!
Unfortunately,
there was no lager. Just sparkling water and Champers
being drunk by lots of people wearing scarves!
LUVVERLY
BUBBLY!!
Why
do the in-crowd and ‘luvvies’ do that?
Wear scarves tied round their necks I mean?? I suppose
it must be a fashion statement, because they all tie
them the same and they are only short (the scarves
not the people!).
People
sometimes have a pop at me for wearing gold chains
round my neck, but I prefer cool gold to having a
scarf on all day. But, now I am on the social calendar
I am quickly discovering that it takes all sorts!!
THAT’S
THE WAY TO SCARF IT!
Back
to darts, I spent a very enjoyable weekend at the
Seacroft Holiday Village, Hemsby recently.
It
was organised by the lovely Shirley Winn of Isle-of-Wight
Tours and was a mix of tournament and exhibition for
transport companies all over the country.
Me
and Trina Gulliver were there to play darts and ‘mingle’,
and Little Richard Ashdown held the whole thing together
as compere, MC and all round entertainer. He might
be little, but he’s a multi-talented ‘giant’
when it comes to darts events (and spotting).
Anyway,
other than the darts, the real highlight of the weekend
(at least for me) was the Fancy Dress party on the
Saturday night. Nine beautiful ladies from South Shields
dressed up as ‘Booby George’s’ and
came out carrying candelabra’s and huge false
boobs!
HELLO
BOOBIES!
There
were 9 girls and 18 Booby’s and I heard a geezer
say to one of the girls: ‘I don’t know
why you’re wearing false booby’s, yours
are much bigger than that!’ She just looked
at him and said: ‘I know they are darling, but
the real ones are around my waist!’
THAT’S
THE WAY TO BOOBY GEORGE IT!
I
would like to thank the South Shields girls: Lesley
Barkas, Liz Scullion, Vera Younger, Jillian Cooper,
Jeanette Nicol, Alison Bland, Mary Porter, Anne Warwick
and Pat Just, for giving us so many laughs at Hemsby.
The
photograph shows the girls with me and Trina. It’s
a bit out of focus because the poor photographer couldn’t
keep his hands still at the sight of so many Booby’s
on display at the same time!
THAT’S
THE WAY TO PHOTO IT!
Moving
swiftly from Booby’s to balls, did you see Ray
Stubbs on the Comic Relief verson of ‘Fame Academy?’
I rang him up to say: ‘Ray, as a singer you
make a great TV presenter, but I had to tell you that
you’ve got more balls than me to get up and
do that!’
And
I wasn’t talking footballs or snooker balls
either!
Look
out at Lakeside next year for me and Ray as singing
duo
‘The Symbolics’. Ray will be ‘Sym’
and I’ll be the rest (probably spelt differently)!!
THAT’S
THE WAY TO SING IT!
Talking
of singing I asked an audience at a recent exhibition
to tell me the difference between Bobby George and
Boy George. It’s only for a bit of fun but they
all fell about when I told them that the person with
the correct answer would get a ‘Pro Life Doll’.
You
wind it up and it tells porkie-pies until the batteries
run out!
THAT’S
THE WAY TO PORKY PIE IT!
Reminds
me of the bloke who said to me: ‘I’m a
better liar than you are’, so I asked him to
tell me his biggest porky-pie.
‘I
once swam up Niagra Falls’, he told me.
He
soon shut up when I said: ‘I know. I was there
and I saw you’.
Sounds
like a situation I found myself in at the start of
the year. As they say, the truth is often stranger
than fiction.
THAT’S
THE WAY TO FACT IT!
Which
brings me to the end of yet another column. Happy
Easter to all my readers. Hope to see lots of you
at Lakeside on April 6th and 7th for the ‘Friendly
International’ between England and Scotland.
It’s
now got extra appeal following England’s drubbing
of the Dutch in the recent Six Nations Cup!
May
The Darts be with you…….and England!
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