Yes, I know it’s April Fool’s time again, but this is the honest truth.
I’ve been busy catching up with jobs in the house under the guidance of Mein Fuhrur (or she who MUST be obeyed!). Top of the list was turning our own bedroom en-suite (there are another 17 bedrooms!) into a virtual tribute to luxury bathing and ablutions!
I’ve even re-tiled the bathroom on my own and not only does it look good, but it’s very posh.
I did consider (but only for the briefest of moments) getting the Croft’s in to do it. Croft Tiles was founded by Olly Senior (God) 40 years ago this year (he’s always been on the tiles!), but much as the reputation of the Muswell Hill firm is secod-to-none, I decided I wanted to do the tiling myself.
The only concession I made was with the top-of-the-range and extremely expensive granite top for the wash basin. This has been supplied and fitted by Oliver Croft, Junr (the ugly one, sorry I mean the REALLY ugly one – only joking! Cancel that, I’m not!).
Anyway, the granite top is far from ugly, even if Oliver did make me feel tired just watching him struggling to lift it! It looks fantastic, which is just as well because it did cost the proverbial arm and a leg.
But Marie has given it her nod of approval, which is all that matters. She always scrubs up nice anyway and she can now do so in considerable style. It’s the smartest bathroom in the whole of Essex!
As for me, rather than mess-up the new bathroom, Marie will probably tell me that I’m probably better off jumping in the lake!!
Blimey! I can hear loads of people shouting here, here to that one!!!!
Still on the subject of D-i-Y (but on a much lesser scale) I recently put up a new flat-screen TV in the kitchen so that Marie can watch old DVD’s and black & white films – but she’s already fed-up of seeing John Lowe with sub-titles!
It’s OK now (the TV that is!) but putting the bracket on the wall and then getting it spot on was a nightmare. I actually had three wall brackets in total because every time I put one on the wall it was wrong!
They were all sent back, but when I did get the right one, it was still a real pain to get it straight! First Marie was saying move it to the right an inch, then back half-an-inch. Higher. Lower! (what does that remind you of?) I was sweating that much that in the end I had to tell her straight: You can only touch that telly as much as you touch me.
In other words: Don’t touch it at all!
What you might call a case of touch and go! Or no touch and go!!
Had a laugh at an exhibition recently when I was told that someone had been caught nicking the darts calendar in the bar.
Blimey, what did he get for that? I said. 12 months, Bob! They all shouted together!
Maybe it was an April Fool’s, but I did laugh!!
Had another great charity night for Roly’s Woodbridge Gateway Club. This one was organised by the Forresters and another fantastic £1800 was raised for Mencap. Brilliant.
The photo shows Mavis and Peter Bilbirney, Bonnie Hill, and Me and Marie with the magnificent cheque.
Bonnie is the opposite of the Bonnie in Bonnie & Clyde, because she’s a magistrate and a very Bonnie lady to boot. One of the tales she told us was about a man who put his hand in his pocket when facing her and her colleagues on the bench and suddenly there was a groaning sound from inside his pocket.
She turned to her male colleague and said: ‘That sounds just like a woman having an orgasm’ and he looked at her all deadpan like and replied: ‘I wouldn’t know about that!’
It turned out that the geezer in front of them had an Ann Summers ‘orgasm’ key-ring and he pushed it in his nervous state and couldn’t turn it off!
She said, it could have been worse – it might have been a vibrator!!
Almost as funny as an exhibition I did in Hull for John Smith’s. The pub had won a ‘raffle’ in which the top prize was to have me as special guest for the night, or a 42 inch TV!
For some reason they had picked me, and when I asked the Guv’nor why he said: “We get far more inches with you Bob, and we prefer BG to HD or VD!”
Well, there’s no answer to that until I realised the name of the pub was the Bay Horse – plenty of inches there!
From Hull I went to a club in Eastleigh to do a brewery job to raise money for Help For Heroes, which must be the most deserving charity in the country today.
One of my homemade RH Dartboards raised a marvellous £220 towards the overall total of £1200 that was raised on the night.
I’ve said it before, but I have to repeat that darts people are the most generous supporters of charities in the country and Help For Heroes goes to our brave lads and ladies fighting for us all over the world.
It reminds me that my boy (well one of them – I won’t name him because he’ll be embarrassed!) went out and bought the latest Action Man the other day. When he opened the box it was empty and I couldn’t stop laughing when he told me it was an Action Man deserter!
As I mentioned, I had a great time at Twickenham recently at a corporate ‘do’ organised by O2, which was attended by members of the England Rugby team. This included England Captain Mike Tindall, who will marry Zara Phillips, granddaughter of HM The Queen later this year.
Mike came to Lakeside with Zara’s brother Peter Phillips a couple of years ago and had a great time.
Most of the rugby boys love their darts, as does Andrew Castle, the former tennis star, GMTV presenter and Wimbledon commentator. He hosted the whole night for 02 and we enjoyed a bit of light-hearted banter during the evening (see photo).
He’s a lovely bloke who is planning to come down to Lakeside when his busy diary allows.
Here’s a bit of hot news for literary lovers......following on from my successful autobiography Bobby Dazzler’ I’ve been working on a new book for over a year now with Dr. Patrick Chaplin, the respected darts historian.
You all know him? He’s the geezer who knows nearly as much about darts and its history as I do!
Me and Patrick (or ‘The Professor’ as I prefer to call him - amongst other things!) have written what we hope is funny and informative ‘darts dictionary’ which we’ve called ‘Scoring for Show, Doubles for Dough: Bobby George’s Darts Lingo.
It will feature loads of humorous sayings used in darts and is to be published in June by Apex Publishing (the photo shows me and Patrick celebrating the completion of the book).
Me and ‘The Prof’ are well pleased with what we’ve written and I’ll tell you more about the book and what’s in it on my next Blog.
But, if you haven’t got the patience to wait, then take a butcher’s at: www.apexpublishing.co.uk
Finally, as I mentioned last month, the UK Sports Association will be organizing the 2011 Bobby George National Charity Darts Marathon in September. It last happened in 1999 and has previously raised in excess of 200 Grand to help disabled people into sport.
Entry forms will be available from end May/beginning of June for teams of 8 players (men, women or mixed) to play 4 hours of darts in their own venue on one night
There will be prizes for the highest team score, highest individual scores, most 180’s, most bulls etc plus highest sponsorship raised, highest individual sponsorship, most money in swearbox (to name but a few). There will be trophies, balloon flights, Eurostar tickets, trips away and lots, lots more.
The UK Sports Association works with people with learning disabilities to help them compete in sport. What better cause could there be – especially with the 2012 London Olympics coming up?
Anyone interested in getting involved - darts players, publicans, county secretaries and anyone else wanting to have a fun night of darts whilst raising money for disabled people - should register their interest and receive an entry form when the event is launched. Call 0207 490 3057 and speak to Tracey or Marie-Pascale or email email@example.com
Let’s show everyone else in sport just how generous the people of darts are!